I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
