Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
