My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
