I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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