my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
