I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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