How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
