Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
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