hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
worst night to have a conscience
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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