Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
