I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
