My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
