just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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