Someone shit on the floor
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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