I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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