True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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