What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
