my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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