I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
