god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
