I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
