Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
