Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
