Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
