He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
