I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
