I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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