"it" just moved
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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