Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
