I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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