I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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