the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
