He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
