i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
