i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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