I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
