I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
