On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
not ubering you a puppy
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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