saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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