Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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