Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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