i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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