He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
