WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
