I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
