oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
