I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
