i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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