Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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