i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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