News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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