I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
